Rigorous path to the dark forest - John Marshal © Srishti Madurai.

"Coming out", a nice figure of speech in every life a LGBTQ individual ,which is like a rigorous path to the dark forest ,chills me every time when i think about the moments and the events looped by that word....may be you call it as a precious and wonderful moment of my life....


I think i should think in a real face rather than a mask...as an individual void of coming out may be you can name me a mask within the mask of language....

Born and raised in a dense catholic basis, elements of Jesus Christ and "his" cross are not new one for me..like sky, always smiling in a night,those were integral components of mine,maybe you call an basement in which the name "john" and its attributes are constructed. I was raised as an catholic and maybe you call me a hardcore catholic when you try to associate a philosophy with that small child called "john"......church is an integral component of my life,which you can better know as like a oyster with its shell.....

Homosexuality is a crime against god in our religion....but i,as a child was unaware of that...unaware of what we call homosexuality..whenever i prayed to Jesus under his rose feat, i never prayed to shred my homosexual feel, but my prayer was on the whole projected against sexuality as i thought it as a way hiding myself from the path of heaven...maybe i labelled it as "Satan"..who should be minimized......

I think those precious moments of my phase of life in which i was not looped inside the naming system of language...there may be a naming called "orinachaerkai" in my mother tongue Tamil to denote the homosexual act..but i was unaware of that..what i had expressed whether it may be my initial love or my sexual feel, those stems directly from the subrosa of my heart..but sexual feeling on the whole censored under Jesus..the path of his beloved fashion.....

Frankly saying my parents were aware of my sexual feelings and even my gay love..a first love that sprouted like green grass after a heavy rain..but those were neglected as "Components of the growth phase"...maybe you call a feel that is peripheral or derivative....or due to my family atmosphere or some conflicts that were ranked above my issue....

But i felt gay...a true gay..i was a kid unaware of what is "i"....you can compare it like walking n water assuming that you are walking in soil.....i never experienced any abuse..i feel it stemmed from my basic bisexual feel, so i attribute Freud here...

There are some terms which i hear about homosexuality....it is abnormal,it is a disease..or maybe you call a sin which is generated as i am against the law of the order of god...i was in such an gang which directs it as a thing against nature...maybe i call such an approach now by the country proverb.."Like an elephant putting soil its own head itself..",,yes...now i say it like that....WHEN I CONTRADICT MY OWN FEEL I FEEL LIKE A SUICIDE...OR DESTRUCTING MYSELF...

I was in that feel of what i call "suicide" till the initial semester of my college...till my twelfth grade Jesus was the protector of that feel...after that though i turned aethist,contradicting my own basement,may you can call it as De root myself i was still in that suicidal gang...a gang which killed myself...a phase of experimenting with myself, i am a test animal for me....or in other words i am sadistic towards my own body and mind, a sadomasochistic pleasure derived from paining myself which i thought that time as "My great efforts to turn normal"....

I was treating myself a test animal by involving in a "romantic love" with a girl...maybe you can call it as a reverse synthesis..in which i synthesized love in a lab condition.."this time you chat..this time you go and see her...try to look her"...an idiots way of looking mirror...hehe..

Nothing was called an improvement..just to prove that i am a "male"....i can also love a girl..it seems funny now for me..he-he....stupid john...

I say from this experience..may be i recommend to persons who have confusions about their sexuality....please friends don't waste your time and energy in making you to transform "normal"....better ,you gonna crucified...

After that phase i felt a feel of love for one of da guy in my college..i loved him deep from my heart..but when i came out him as gay he accepted me..but when i told him my love it was such an burst of bunches of shock for me...i was treated like an untouchable....like the feel of caste...once when i asked him a book of mine he took that book in just a bundle of papers with the extreme care of the fact that there shouldn't be any bodily contact with that book..i was standing like a statue formed after seeing Medusa's eyes.. with a cloud of tear hitting my eye to take birth....an abandoned child....

once ,another friend of mine, who know that i am a gay denied to urinate simultaneously near to me ,and like a person having extreme phobia, his homophobia made him to stay out that door...when i just asked him the reason he replied "I feared you my do anything harm for me"..i understood what is called homophobia by that single experience..how it is cruel and heart breaking for each an every LGBTQ...

It was such an discrimination phase which lasted for six months,around a semester of my college life, a period i could remember as the rule of dark...i was blind..without any ear that can hear what my heart says..what it beats to say...it was in that season of darkness i isolated myself from others and made a own way for me...i had long walks ,alone...avoided mess food and eating outside..so that i cant see him and would be a subject of his cruel smile..still the notion of abnormal hypothesis of homosexuality was clinging in my heart....i was irregular in studies,money and the life as a whole...onside a wounded heart of love and another side a heart of discrimination....

I was in my relatives home since tenth grade since my mom left me to heaven...it was my mom's sister...i believed at least those hearts can hear me.... when my irregularity in the usage of money was exposed myself to them they in the process of an sadomasochistic inquiry which they call "Path to find truth" whose layout is satirical structure without any other actions on human body , i bursted out and told them about myself on the whole..."Why i was irregular??"...they hadn't felt for that and they had some underlying basic suspicion which is a heartbreaking one for me...

Those words..words of thrones from them.."Already in your childhood you were fond of sex..and when you missed it in your college you had used those money to get rid of your bodily hunger"..those words were like lashes on me..like killing me by cooking...but those words already strengthened an angel which rose from my mind.."I accept myself..i am a gay..yes john you are a gay.."..it was a night of the height of my glory...the event in which the angel won....

I insisted them to believe the truth..about the happenings of my life...their subsequent denial finally resulted in a scene of burst of anger where nothing was decent and it was the rude moment i have ever experienced in my life from the ones whom i love....they slapped me..i went to catch their neck...that time those words came out from my moms sister "He is a homosexual..a homosexual robber....first of all we have to check whether he posses a penis or not."...i replied them."Who are you to talk about my sexual orientation..?who are you..?".....after that the intensity of sounds increased which made the neighbors to came there in that midnight..around twelve to one,,in the cold January of 2011....they teared out my clothes..i was only with my underwear and run inside to take an essay which i wrote on mathematical analysis of society and like a baby newborn i was naked and just i tied my hands around that book and seated there..none was there for me...i was alone....i cal it a great night, a great nigh of my gay angel...

In the dawn ,again their torture continued...i was questioned about my sexuality..they have asked me to write on what i feel and they were justifying their acts..in that letter i wrote.."I am not feeling for what you have done for me yesterday..i was thinking about so many LGBT friends who are facing such treatments from people from you..."So cant you change.."..I replied "None knows"...within that word they told me.."HE IS A MENTAL..SPEAKING LIKE MENTAL.."..again i burst out and this time they dropped me to my home..they told my father about me...about myself...and also to a relative of us who was there..those words still lingering in my mind.."he's Gonna work for that people who are just even less than 1% in population..minority people"...i was just smiling..a smile that kills them...i am conquered..i conquered my "suicide" feel..world was new for me then..like light entering a glass room....

Hm..tats all about my coming out....ill post the further happenings in the other posts.


bye john....